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This is one of the funniest Aunt Bett stories I will ever tell you. If you have ever laughed out loud at a most inappropriate time, you will surely understand the quandary I found myself in. A church service is a serious event, but in this one instance.....well, I might as well just take you with me on this little trip back to my twelfth year.
Right up front I will tell you that I was always proud as punch to be with Aunt Bett. It didn't matter where we were, if I was with her, I was basking in her glory. But there was one time that being with her simply drove me to my knees in a fit of giggles.
By the time I was nearly twelve, I was allowed to walk to church with Aunt Bett on the stretch of road that took us from her house to her church about a mile away. The church was located on the north fork of the Kentucky River, and it was a lovely little brick church sitting alone in a valley with the mountain full of trees behind it and the river flowing in front of it. When I went with her I got to sit in the old wooden benches especially reserved for the "good sisters" of the church.
On the trip down the road Aunt Bett always carried a paper sack and a flashlight. On the night I am remembering, I was the designated flashlight carrier, but she never let anyone carry her old wrinkled brown paper sack. I had a sneaking suspicion of what was in that sack, since I had sneaked a look one time when I found it on the table by the door where it usually waited for her to pick up on her way out. It was like a little black doctor's bag, but instead of instruments she carried a tin of salve, a tiny bottle of a strange colored liquid, a spoon, and her asphidity bag. Sometimes she added a few fresh herb leaves in the summertime. All this was well wrapped in a flannel cloth, and another brown paper bag which served as the lining of the first one.
The trip was a little more than a mile down the road so it took us awhile, this was an evening service and the weather was nice. I don't remember any vehicles passing us, but I do remember that she stopped along the way and picked a couple of leaves from plants that grew by the roadside. She tucked them into the brown paper sack.
We got to church, walked up the steps to the arched doorway and entered. Church had not started yet but folks were taking their seats, and we shuffled up the aisle to the front, up two steps, and then to the second pew on the left of the little stage for the special members. I was proud to be there beside Aunt Bett.
Songs were sung and the sermon commenced. In the middle of the sermon, the rather large older woman beside me began to fidget. She had on some sort of taffeta dress with a very full skirt and she took up a lot of space on the pew. As she shuffled around in her seat, her dress moved ever closer to me. I didn't know her name, but she was familiar since she always sat with the good sisters of the church. Not only did her dress crawl closer to me, but it rustled whenever she moved like a snake slithering through dried leaves. Being a bit irreverent in my thoughts at the time and a bit bored with the sermon, I was very close to a fit of giggles wondering if she had a slithering snake crawling around in all that fabric she was covered in.
Suddenly, she put a handkerchief over her nose and yelled, "Oh, Lawdy!" I looked over the wide expanse of rustling taffeta skirt and her front was covered in little specks of blood. Now when you are going on twelve, blood never bothers you. I punched Aunt Bett who needed no punching since she was already digging in her paper sack. She handed me a couple of small lacy leaves and loudly whispered, "Goldie, put this up yore nose rite now!" And the preacher kept on preaching.
Goldie did as she was told, and moaned a little louder, "Oh, Lawdy, Lawdy!" And the blood kept dripping, and the preacher kept preaching. Aunt Bett again whispered, a little louder this time too: "Goldie, I said PUT, I didn't say POKE that yarrow up yore nose. Here, do it over again with this!" She handed me some little torn up pieces of the same leaf and I handed it carefully toward Goldie. And the preacher kept on preaching, but don't you ever believe anybody heard a word he said.
Being a little gentler with her own nose this time, Goldy and Aunt Bett's yarrow finally got the bleeding to stop. But not before the front of her rustling taffeta dress was speckled in it, and not before I had to ask to be excused before I embarrassed myself for laughing right out loud in the middle of church. And the preacher never did stop preaching.
This of course being an article of sound educational value, we must take a look at the herbal plant Yarrow (Achillea millefolium var.occidentalis). Most of the time Aunt Bett called it bloodwort, but being in church on that particular night I guess she thought the proper name, yarrow, should be used when she talked to poor Goldie. Yarrow has quite a history, its genus name Achillea comes from a mythical Greek character, Achilles, who carried it with his army to treat battle wounds. In the middle ages, yarrow was a part of an herbal mixture known as gruit, used in the flavoring of beer before the use of hops. It was popular as a vegetable in the 17th century and was cooked like spinach or used in a soup. Decoctions were used to treat headaches, infusions were used internally or externally to speed recovery from bruising, but the most medicinally active parts are the flowering tips. They have a mild stimulant effect and have been used as snuff. The flowers can be harvested in summer or fall, and steam from the boiling of the flowers has been used to loosen upper respiratory phlegm, or externally for treating excema as well as inhaling for hay fever or mild asthma. Small pieces of the leaves can be used for clotting, so it can be used to stop nosebleeds, but no poking up the nose, please. Yarrow is still often used in gardens as a companion plant because it repels unwanted insects and attracts those that are good. The leaves are also a good fertilizer and are good in compost. Yarrow is often considered an invasive weed, as many wild plants are, but it served its purpose in history. Herbalists continue its use today, but I wouldn't advise you to use it without consulting proper medical authorities.
Native Americans often chewed the purple part of the root because it has a numbing effect on open sores or for toothaches. The Chinese claimed that yarrow brightened the eyes and promoted intelligence. Yarrow was one of the herbs often used in amulets.
I can't help wondering if yarrow was in my asphidity bag. I doubt that poor Goldie even had one.
Most of my Aunt Bett memories are triggered by her recipes and her herbal directions that I was fortunate enough to inherit. Other sources of information include:
Photos in Plant Files by Crimsontsavo, Sofonisba, and Happenstance. Thank you, Photographers.
About Sharon Brown
I am a retired high school art and humanities teacher. I grew up in the Appalachian mountains of southeast KY and now I live with my two rescued cats, Jazz and Daisy, in far western KY. I am an artist often doing commissioned work, and in addition to writing articles for Dave's Garden, I also write boating stories for a nautical newsletter. My greatest love is gardening, and learning the history of my state and its numerous wildflowers.
Posted by Aunt_A (from Tulsa, OK) on August 26, 2008 at 11:46 PM:
I've been there...done that way too often. One of my sisters and I were always giggling in Church. We usually had to sit w/ mom and dad before we were teenagers so you can imagine that our giggles needed to be quiet giggles.
Thanks for the adorable story, as usual.
April
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 27, 2008 at 12:53 AM:
and thank you, again, too.
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Subject: "Sneaking"
Posted by Seedtosser1 (from Glenview, IL) on August 26, 2008 at 7:43 PM:
LOL, Shar, got booted from computer luxeries at work for a bit...But couldn't
help reading your story...
I was so giggling at the thought of you trying not to laugh in Church....
Oh my what a time to have laughing fit.
...ROLF, you know me, busted out in laughter anyway at Aunt Bett's second loud Whisper.
and what an imagination you had, still giggling here.
Too funny, Oh Lawdy Lawdy for sure.
...You know I love how Aunt Bett thinks of everyone.
A wonderful story once again.
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 7:57 PM:
Thanks, Seed,
Sorry about your work computer, maybe you better not read them there....not if you laugh out loud right in the middle of your workplace.
thanks for writing. Always nice to hear from you.
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Subject: OMG!
Posted by NanuBunny (from Poquoson, VA) on August 26, 2008 at 3:37 PM:
Yes, Sharon, I am laughing, and anyone walking past my office is probably wondering if I have finally lost it completely! That was HILARIOUS! My mind makes pictures! Poor Goldie! "Oh Lawdy", indeed! Keep 'em coming!
Love,
Bonnie
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 3:55 PM:
Control yourself Bonnie...pretend you are in church!
That wasn't the only time I was sent outside in the middle of church. I spent more time outside than in, usually.
Lawdy, what a mess i was....trouble is, I still am.
Thanks, Bonnie!
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Posted by NanuBunny (from Poquoson, VA) on August 26, 2008 at 10:43 PM:
That would be "a mess" in the truly Southern sense, which is a real compliment! I would agree with that interpretation. What a truly interesting life you have had, and what a store of treasured memories! Hoping that you will continue to share them.
Love,
Bonnie
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 10:47 PM:
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Subject: Perfection
Posted by Hemophobic (from Kannapolis, NC) on August 26, 2008 at 12:50 PM:
Sharon: I always check out the daily articles now for one of yours and you never disappoint me. This one is sheer perfection!
Angie
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 1:17 PM:
Thanks, Angie...you made me smile!
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Subject: My fav plant!
Posted by crimsontsavo (from Crossville, TN) on August 26, 2008 at 11:15 AM:
This is one of my fav plants and am happy to see AuntBett appreciated as well!
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 11:58 AM:
Thanks, Jocie..
Nice dainty plant it is, pretty too.
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Posted by crimsontsavo (from Crossville, TN) on August 26, 2008 at 12:18 PM:
Yup. The best filler ever. about 65% of my gardens are made up of different colors of yarrow LOL!
Just can't kill it and it's soooooooo perfect for drought.
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 12:22 PM:
most of mine are shades of red, then turn to tan as they dry. I used to save them to use in fall decorations, and one year when my classes had a 22 foot tree to decorate for Christmas, we gathered dried yarrow, grapevine, dried twigs, etc, sprayed everything gold, and decorated the entire tree with everything done in groups, sprayed gold, and tied in bundles with red ribbon.
Well, we spent so much money on lights to cover it, we couldn't afford real decorations. Goodness it was a wonderful tree! We had a huge commons area where the kids gathered between classes.....they would sit around that huge tree just like they were waiting for Santa.
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Posted by crimsontsavo (from Crossville, TN) on August 26, 2008 at 12:27 PM:
omg, I NEVER thought to use them on a tree. Im so stealing your idea for december. Ohh and we have loads of grape vines too!
Much better than cheap-o plastic decorations. Im not a big Christmas type person as far as decorating so never really invest in nice decorations, but this is inspirational lol.
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 12:37 PM:
Stretch the grapevines out and spray paint them then. They will naturally wind around your tree like those tinsile ropes, I usually use about 3 intertwined. Make sense? Leave dried leaves on, too, and the little curly thingies.
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Posted by crimsontsavo (from Crossville, TN) on August 28, 2008 at 1:03 PM:
I looove the lil curly thingies lol.
If I don't forget Ill be doing this for Christmas. Maybe we'll even try a living tree too.
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Subject: Laughing in church...
Posted by brigidlily (from Lumberton, TX) on August 26, 2008 at 11:12 AM:
One of my fondest memories! Even though I got popped more than once for it. TO THIS DAY my sister and I cannot sit together in church. We can't not giggle.
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Posted by nanny_56 (from Putnam County, IN) on August 26, 2008 at 11:33 AM:
Been there!! I am a nervous giggler...I remember when my dad was ill asking my priest to pray for him. I was doing my little nervous giggle and the priest just flat out asked if I thought it was all that funny??? YIKES!!!!
I explained that I giggle when I am stressed or nervous...but I don't think he bought it.
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 12:12 PM:
One time in college I had to tell about my most embarrassing moment, and giggling in church was it.
Yep, definitely right up there at the top of embarrassments. I still do it from time to time, to the embarrassment of my children. I guess if they had to tell their most embarrassing moments, they would tell about their mother giggling in church.
Thanks to both of you...enjoy your giggles.
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Subject: Oh Lawdy!
Posted by Mrs_Ed (from Whiteside County, IL) on August 26, 2008 at 10:46 AM:
Lovely as usual!
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 12:09 PM:
Lawdy, Ms. Ed, it's nice to hear from you.
Thanks.
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Posted by rickadee (from st charles, KY) on September 1, 2008 at 3:42 PM:
Can hardly wait for your next Aunt Bett story. I'm just down the road a piece in Hopkins County (St. Charles). Your Aunt Bett sounds a lot like my Great-grandmother (Mamaw). I just loved going to her house. She just lived 2 doors over so I was there a lot. Her yard was huge and oh! the flowers and plants.. I also remember my mother digging in her garden of red sage with a tablespoon. Guess that's where I got my love for gardening. It's in my jeans (genes).
When I was little and went to church I had to sit beside my grandmother and laughter in church was a big no no , so I know where your're coming from. My biggest problem was staying awake.
LOL
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on September 1, 2008 at 4:01 PM:
Well, Hello...
Nice to hear from you, if you are ever in Marshall County, let me know.
I am glad you like the articles, good to have grandmothers and great aunts, I think...for all of us.
Thanks for reading, and for writing to me.
Sharon
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Subject: Nice
Posted by phicks (from Lakeland, FL) on August 26, 2008 at 10:11 AM:
Good Story Paul
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 10:14 AM:
Thanks, Paul.
Always very nice to hear from you.
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Posted by phicks (from Lakeland, FL) on August 26, 2008 at 11:34 AM:
Ever Make Dilly Beans ?
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 12:08 PM:
Sure have, and pickled corn, too.
Beans are my favorite, though.....
One time Mom made dilly beans and accidentally put a bunch of hot peppers in. Whooohoooo!! Spicy hot and sour at the same time.
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Posted by phicks (from Lakeland, FL) on August 26, 2008 at 12:12 PM:
LOL
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 12:14 PM:
Even now I crave pickled corn....we cut it off the cob, and didn't cook it, so it was crispy when eaten. I haven't made it in a long time.
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Posted by phicks (from Lakeland, FL) on August 26, 2008 at 12:23 PM:
I use to make it to Was a Chef for 35 Years When i was Not Crabing or Fishing
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 12:25 PM:
Do you still have your recipes? Wanta share?
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Posted by phicks (from Lakeland, FL) on August 26, 2008 at 12:44 PM:
i might ill have to look paul
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Subject: another gem
Posted by Dutchlady1 (from Naples, FL) on August 26, 2008 at 7:51 AM:
You have no idea how much I look forward to reading your Aunt Bett stories; I will once again urge you to put them in a book.
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 9:55 AM:
Thank you, DL.
You are very encouraging.
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Posted by Susie2 (from Brazoria, TX) on August 26, 2008 at 9:56 AM:
I have yarrow growing wild and never did know what to do with it.
Ditto to Dutchlady1 comments.............
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 10:03 AM:
Now you know, Susie....keep it handy for when you are in church.
Actually it really does work, as I recently found when I sliced into a tomato.
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Posted by CapeCodGardener (from Mid-Cape, MA) on August 26, 2008 at 10:50 AM:
Great article, Sharran--I've come to love Aunt Bett, as well as stories about your youthful self in Kentucky.
I've got a lot of yellow yarrow (that's fun to spell!) whose flower-heads have now turned a deep brown. Is there any benefit to leaving the flower-heads up for birds or other creatures? Otherwise, I'll deadhead and compost 'em, especially now that I know the leaves also are good for compost!
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 12:04 PM:
I just stepped out to check mine, also brownish tan, and there is no value left that I know of, course if it were 50 years ago I'd have mine saved to add to fall decorations. Still might, now that I think about it.
Yellow Yarrow would be even worse to say! Aunt Bett would say "yeller yarra".......
Thanks CC. Always nice to hear from you.
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Posted by Jan23 (from Salem Cnty, NJ) on August 26, 2008 at 5:15 PM:
I third the motion from DL1 and S2. I've only been on DG for a couple of months and have come to love Aunt Bett and also look forward to your stories. My mom's family is from eastern Tenn. and I can imagine their lives there through your eyes. Thank you.
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 5:49 PM:
Hi Jan, nice to know you have mountain roots, and yes, east Tennessee was right down the road from us, not much difference.
Hello to your Mom's family from me, and thank you so much for writing.
sharon
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Posted by melody (from Benton, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 8:22 PM:
Wonderful as usual!
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Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on August 26, 2008 at 8:43 PM:
